We just found out Mom is no longer supposed to drive. She has been waiting for cateract surgery which has gotten delayed several times as her surgeon was going through "issues". Now she has a different surgeon and is likely to get surgery on both eyes (a few weeks apart) in September. On the upside she won't have to wear glasses after that. Also, thanks to our healthcare system in Canada she won't have to pay for it. Both major wins. On the downside she found out on Friday that she shouldn't be driving any longer as her vision has deteriorated again. Prior to this her vision was sufficient that they asked her not to night drive but she should be fine for daytime driving.
At age 75 she likely will only drive for a couple more years anway. At age 80 in Canada you usually have to get a medical from your Dr as well as retake a driving test so a lot of seniors tend to give it up at that point. We have had several discussions about the fact that her really old car (20 years) could die at any moment or need very expensive repairs and it just wouldn't be worth it to pay out the money for that. She does not have sufficient funds to replace the vehicle. This day, fortunately has been planned for.
I often refer to the condo that Mom lives in as Mom's condo. It really is our condo that we paid for out of funds when we sold our home in Alberta as we bought our home and a year later a condo for Mom to live in and also as a long-term investment. Fortunately, we bought at a market low and the value of the condo has gone up 35% in the past 4 years since we bought it, one of our best performing investments. She pays rent although it is quite a bit lower than market value. She is a low income senior and we live in a high rent town so we decided to make the investment to ensure she had a stable long-term place to live. The longer she can live on her own versus going into a retirement living situation the cheaper it will be both for her and for us if she can't make ends meet. The condo we bought is 3 blocks from our house, one block from a grocery store, pharmacy and gas station with a convenience store. Although our town has a transit system it is not very good but fortunately things are so close together that cabs are extremely inexpensive at a maximum $15 to get just about anywhere.
Mom and I hang out quite often, usually 2-3 times a week we shop together and Saturday mornings we usually go thrifting or garage saling. Our life will not have to change that much with her not driving. Decisions will have to be made with her vehicle but at this time that is a bit premature - she can make that decision after she has her surgery, unless she decides sooner. Having a vehicle is a costly choice but one that has given her freedom to do as she wishes. Now she has to plan things out, a definite change. Even more fortunate is the fact that we live so close together and that we are self employed making it much easier for me to adjust my schedule to get her to appointments.
Obviously when we travel/are away we will have to plan how she is going to get around. She can walk to the grocery store or take cabs or I can have my friend check in on her/take her to appointments if need be.
As she said the other day, "getting old sucks" but it will happen to all of us. I don't really consider age 75 old because she still has every one of her marbles, just that health becomes such a factor after a certain age. We are super fortunate that due to planning this life transition will be much easier than some. Have you thought about your life stages?
oh my,,, hard to stop driving,, I know this,, but its good they're getting done in the not to far future, a relative of mine had one eye done last week and has the other done in three weeks,, we live in Ontario and yes thank goodness its paid for,, I wish your mom all the best on a speedy recover,
ReplyDeleteThanks Laurie. She doesn't drive too much now as we spend so much time together but she does have a hard time asking for help so that will change. I will just have to ask more questions
DeleteHard to believe that I turn 70 next year and Wayne is already 73. We don't feel old and still do lots of heavy work at the cabin. Fortunately we have John to help out, but he isn't all that young any more as he's now in his early 50s. Back when I was a teen I thought those ages were ancient. Funny how they seem much younger the closer we get. My mom lived in her condo until the last moment. It was important for her and me. I don't know how I would have done visiting regularly if she was in an assisted living residence or nursing home. With her condo I could go stay for the day in an environment that was good for both of us. I wasn't working by then so I could be her full time caregiver. That won't happen for me with no children or other relatives. Wayne's the same. And here in Canada there is no guarantee we can stay in town for assisted living or even together. At that point we will have to think real hard about what we do. I love Canada but don't want to be dropped into a place I don't know especially if I don't have any friends or resources there. Bellingham has good elder care so it is our fall back position. Being US citizens with medicare and other health insurance helps us have that flexibility. But when we are gone I want my ashes scattered up the lake. That much I know. - Margy
ReplyDeleteI don't think it is old either, she was just feeling old that day as her knee was giving her issues too. If you try and keep healthy and active I think you are way ahead of the game no matter the age. It does such that our assisted living facilities are not keeping couples together in some cases
DeleteSince I deal with Mom every single day it has forced me to think about the later stage of my life. Dad was totally prepared for the difficulties he faced and was very graceful during the process. Mom is another story and is still driving at 87. We have restricted her to 2 places she can drive, both are on back roads from her house and less than 1 mile in either direction, but we are trying to get her to relinquish her car totally. (Moving to a condo or apartment would be a great advantage too, but we are having no luck with that either)
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how it is so hard to convince some to stop driving. Hubby's Mom was showing signs of dementia and yet her Dr wouldn't force her to stop driving and she kept doing it. Hubby and I were thinking of letting all the air out of her tires/disconnecting the battery when finally she decided to stop - it was getting scary
DeleteIf "Handy Dart" is available in your area, I would check that out. Good thing you live close together. Best of luck with the eye surgery, lots of eyedrops will be perscribed.
ReplyDeleteIt is available, I don't think she wants to go there yet but I will definitely keep it in mind. I will let her know about the eye drops. Likely they will do the worst one first, then the second a few weeks later
DeleteInteresting post. I worked in gerontology most of my career and I would hazard a guess most who work in similar environments have their future well planned. Having recently retired ourselves we have made different plans for two stages of retirement. 10 yr plans, first will take us to 75, we will spend 2/3 of our funds in this stage, travel, have fun plus work hard on our hobby farm which keeps us fit and brings us pleasure. Our volunteer work gives us a good social life and keeps us involved in the community. 2nd stage we will move to a smaller place, no stairs, close to the essentials of life and spend less. That will take us to 85, if we live longer hey a bonus, the focus the whole time will be to do everything possible to maintain physical and mental function. You cannot predict these things, I have two surgeries last year to prove it, but planning is the key to success I believe. Although nursing homes are not as bleak as most people imagine I do recommend staying in your own home as long as possible and using funds for additional support. We are fortunate enough to have adequate funds. For people on limited funds things are very difficult. There is much our society could and should do to remedy this. Your mother is very lucky to have you.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest fear is that she won't be as active when she stops driving but I can remedy that with walks and dragging her around stores (seriously we do every aisle in Costco lol, whether we need to or not) I keep telling her if she loses her mobility due to health she can no longer live in the condo, and she really loves it there. She has really bad arthritis and her knees bother her a lot even though she has had 2 replacements, plus she is quite overweight which is a lifetime thing. I can only help her though, she has to help herself too
DeleteI remember when my mom stopped driving-it was good, but hard at first on her. She still had Dad driving, but after a while, she got used to planning with one of us.While we were not extremley close, I feel lucky that I had time in her last 10 years to spend more quality time doing things like shopping or going for lunch. She found our youngest, her youngest grandchild a great companion, so glad my daughter has good memories of her grandparents even though she really didn't get much time in her young life with them.
ReplyDeleteIt's Mom's choice and the fact that I already do so much with her is making it easier. We just have to learn how to schedule and she has to ask for help once in a while which she has trouble doing
DeleteSorry to hear about your mom won't be driving. I'm sure all will work out.
ReplyDeleteI have to say I wish the United States has a one payer system...Coffee is on
Our healthcare is not perfect by any means but if you get sick you have to figure out a way to pay for pills but not the actual care which is a huge relief, especially for those on limited incomes
DeleteI am nearly 70 and Louis Dean will be 82 soon.....but thankfully we are 'young' for our real age. That can change in the blink of an eye. We live life each day and are thankful for the way we do it. We will have no regrets if something happens......but I am praying we live to celebrate 25 years of marriage together. We just had our 13th anniversary.
ReplyDeleteOld age happens to all of us.....and I am trying my best to do it as gracefully as possible.
Your mother is so blessed......to have you....
Life can change in a blink of an eye, you are so right. You two need to take care of each other, having a partner who really cares about you makes people live so much longer these days
DeleteBest of luck to your mum with her cataract surgery.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a planner, never will be. Whatever will be, will be. My mum died from an incurable cancer in her sixties and dad, always extremely physically healthy, lost his mind month later and spent his last five years locked away. xxx
I am not really sure planning is all that great - life always throws curve balls at you. Hubby's mom is in a locked mental health facility for those with brain diseases and dementia. She receives good care but quality of life is not there at all
DeleteI guess I haven't given not being able to drive much thought as it pertains to hubby and I. We are just hoping to make it to retirement age at this point. Our home is paid for. That much we made sure of so that if something ever happened to one of us, we wouldn't be out on the street. I think though that a maintenance free condo would be better for us as we get older. I actually think about that a lot.
ReplyDeleteHaving your home paid for is huge! We have decided since I am 8 years younger than hubby that we will stay in our house until no longer possible - that means if he can't maintain it I will do it myself or pay people to. I really hate condo living.
DeleteI will be 72 in two months, and it is shocking anyone would think 75 is old. However, friends who are my age think I look and act much younger. You have a really good arrangement for her living. In the US, renting a home to a relative below fair market value earns some sort of tax break. Is that possible in Canada?
ReplyDeleteI never called my Mom old, she was calling herself old as she was feeling her age with aches and pains that day. There is no tax break for Canada for that scenario. We do get a break on house tax though as they will allow a senior discount and primary residence discount for her
DeleteI don't think 75 is old at all. I know the car is old but why can't your mom drive again after her eye surgeries? You certainly have planned everything out most efficiently and I'm certain that your mom won't feel hard done by once she hangs up the car keys.
ReplyDeleteWe plan to live well into our 90's and Colin possibly longer as his Mom will be 104 in a few months and is still in top form. Neither of us ever plan to leave our home here on the lake and should one of us ( me likely ) becomes ill then a hospital bed will be placed in front of the lake window and care will be given as needed here in our home. No nursing homes for us nor hospitals.
Meanwhile we continue to live each day to the fullest as one never knows what tomorrow might bring.
As an aside, we know of two 90 year old fellows and their slightly younger wives traveling around in their RV's and there are many more like them.
I think she is tired of dealing with the car. She was feeling old that day as her knee was also bothering her. We certainly are not telling her not to drive, I actually am trying to get her to keep it until after her surgery but it seems she likely wants to sell it sooner rather than later. Definitely each day is a gift. We have some friends in their early60s who the wife got really really sick and he is her caretaker and they literally can do nothing now except go to and from hospitals and Dr appointments.
DeleteI will be 60 this year and planning to retire. I don't want to leave my home/little village for a while but I will have to see how things develop here because we have NO public transport so will have to move at some point. I don't see myself driving in my much later years up here in the mountains and in the snow. My dad was about 80 and my sister just happened to be behind him in the car one day when (we found out later) he got impatient at a traffic island so went round it the wrong way!!! That was when my sister's car "had to go in the garage so dad can I borrow your car", and it never went back. Found out he had Alzheimer's! Thank God she was behind him that day.
ReplyDeleteWow, that would be scary! I think it is hard for humans to determine exactly when they need to give it up as difficult to see themselves as deteriorating in the driving category
DeleteMy mom was quite happy to give up driving, my dad not so much. We ended up having the doctor notify the insurance company as dad had experienced a stroke and it was just too unsafe.
ReplyDeleteIt's a tough thing to give up one's independence but it sounds as though with a little assistance she'll still be able to do what she needs to do. Bonus - more time with family!
Good luck to your mom with the cataract surgery.
Eileen
I am super glad she is the one who thinks she wants to give it up based on expense and now medical issues. I have no problem spending more time with her, I am so lucky we live just blocks apart as it wasn't always that way
DeleteThat is such a hard adjustment. Sending lots of good thoughts to your mom on the surgery, and fingers crossed the adjustment to non-driving goes as smoothly as possible.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I am sure it will go well, she seems to be ok with things
Delete