My Mother-in-law got released from the hospital yesterday with not many of our questions answered. A week in the hospital and all we know is that we need to get her into a senior facility asap that has care available as she has taken a downturn mentally and should not be living on her own. For now she is back in her apartment and has homecare lined up that come daily to see to her health and make sure she is taking her medication. Physical issues are one thing, decline in mental health is a whole different matter and one that is much harder to deal with, as physically she is much healthy than most 79 year olds. The papers are signed and she is now on a waitlist for a great seniors facility that has one bedroom apartments. The facility is attached to both a nursing home and the hospital for graduated care depending on your needs with access to meals and healthcare. She says she wants this, fortunately is not fighting any of it.
We had planned to stay with her for four days at Christmas. Right now that is up in the air. My brother-in-law who we don't get along with is making all the decisions right now. He feels that we shouldn't stay with her at Christmas - that it might upset her. I feel the opposite - that we should have the opportunity to spend some time with her. Unfortunately she feels as we live a Province away(us in BC and her in Alberta) we shouldn't be involved in the decisions - rather upsetting for hubby and I as she only has two sons and hubby's father passed away five years ago.
So yeah, just not feeling it this year. I want to see the kids and her this Christmas but it is just going to be weird this year. We booked our air tickets months ago and we are staying in a hotel in the town the kids live on Christmas Eve as that was planned - so they can easily spend time with us as we always spend Christmas Eve with them. We might just be spending all five days there. I was not anticipating that, mentally or financially. The kids are older, maybe next year we skip visiting at Christmas and come in early December when it is easier for everyone to visit. Who knows.
Today I have a bunch of errands to keep me occupied - I might try and put some Christmas lights up to hopefully change the funk I am in. I am craving comfort food to - I think I will go make a pot of Crock Pot stew.
I had stew therapy last night -- and it helped! When my mom started aging and having health issues, my sister took control and did a good job of pushing a wedge between me and my mother. She wanted total control and benefited financially from it. Now my mom is gone and some of the scars from those years have never healed. This part of it is tough and I don't envy you -- but don't feel you're a bad person if you can't stand up to your brother-in-law or if you find you like him less after the dust settles. Caring for an aging parent can cause a lot of family tension, take comfort in the relationship you have with your husband. That's the best support!
ReplyDeleteThe stew therapy was inspired by your crockpot post. It sure did help! I just throw whatever is in the cupboards. Beef broth, meat, onions, carrots, celery, barley, flour, and cornstarch. Cook for four hours and pour over mashed potatoes. It sure hit the spot and made the house smell wonderful! Hubby and I talk about the situation a lot and it helps to have each other - you are absolutely right!
DeleteI'm sorry - my mom is caring for her mother at this stage, and I know it's been incredibly difficult & very emotional for her. It consumes much of her life, and then she's frustrated by not having her own time & space. Totally reasonable & understandable. So many people told me this when I had two small infants - for everything, there is a season. This one shall pass, and be replaced by a new season. It won't last forever.
ReplyDeleteWishing you some holiday cheer!
Thanks - things will work out. I am the "Christmas maker" in my family so I need to pull up the britches and get it done even if I am not feeling it - and likely that feeling will change. Hubby and the kids count on me every year.
DeleteI come from a large family, but you wouldn't know that from reading my blog. There's a reason for that. After my mom passed, the glue that held us together (through all the family drama), was gone and now I only have contact with my brother and my father who is in his 80's. When he passes, I often wonder if I should even go back for the funeral.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are able to work things out and see your MIL for the holidays.
We have said for years (ever since hubby's Dad passed five years ago) based on hubby's brother and his family's actions once his mom passes there will be virtually no relationship between him and his brother. We gave up trying with them. I know what you mean - family drama sucks bigtime.
DeleteYour week must have been very stressful, Cheapchick. We did have a similar situation with my MIL. Everything eventually worked out okay, and she enjoyed the assisted living apt she had for a couple of years, before moving into the more intensive care one. The people who worked in her facility were so caring and good to her. I am grateful to them for the love that they gave to her, when we were many states away.
ReplyDeleteBest of wishes with your holiday plans.
Thank you - just feeling out of sorts with everything up in the air. Things will work out.
DeleteMy mother spent one winter on her own after my Dad passed away, she was only 71 when I had to place her in a community care facility, because of dementia, after a couple of years she could no longer stay there and waited nine months in hospital to get a nursing home bed, it was so sad! I am an only child and live halfway across the country, I feel your pain! My Mom's suffering is over now. I wish you strength in the tough times ahead!
ReplyDeleteThanks Jill. We are so very fortunate to not live so far away that we can't be there in a couple hours if need be. Hubby is in Alberta almost every other month so we can keep a close eye on her. It is tough but then everyone deals with parental issues at some point in life.
DeleteSorry to hear about your mother in law. As I mention before I do homecare. I would say the hardest part is picking the right care giver. That the two works well together.
ReplyDeleteI'm send you hugs and prayers.
Coffee is on
The homecare is really temporary as they have excellent facilities where we are trying to get her into. Fortunately she can still pretty much take care of herself 100% but cannot remember to take pills. We have convinced her not to drive and are in the process of deciding what to do with her car. We have cousins who work at the facility she is going into both in the kitchen (so she can get a dose of Ukrainian food) and as nurses. She lives in a small town so bad home care workers don't last long - those Ukrainian seniors wouldn't put up with it lol :) I am sure you are a very caring homeworker - it takes someone with a big heart.
DeleteBless your heart! It's hard to be cheery when you have extra burdens on your heart and mind. God has a way of working things out and I pray things will fall naturally in place for you in the days to come.
ReplyDeleteYou are so kind Linda, you inspired me with all your decorating yesterday and I even managed to put up the little tree in the bedroom. Thanks for prayers
DeleteWhat a complicated situation made worse by your brother-in-law. Can he prevent you from seeing your MIL when you go to Alberta? Why do some family members have to be that way!?! You make me wonder what it'll be like when Michael and I are in PEI and my daughter is still here in Ontario. Will she come east at Christmas or will we come to Ontario? It will certainly be different from what we're used to. Sometimes i worry that I'm making a big mistake by moving...
ReplyDeleteJane, if you asked your daughter she would probably tell you to go live your dream, just as you wish for her. Our kids certainly did. The only people who made a fuss about us moving away was my Mother-in-law who thinks a Province away means we can't help her which is total crap. She also thinks IPADS are of the devil but that is likely due to her mental issues. We have no regrets about moving, and are thankful every day we get to live where we want. We would only be resentful otherwise.
DeleteI'm so sorry that you are going through this with your MIL. And your BIL is a piece of work.
ReplyDeleteI guess I would just go visit her for a few hours and keep it as upbeat as possible. But with my big mouth, I doubt I could do it.
My sister already shoved a wedge between me and my family years ago, so when my mom needed a care home for dementia or my dad needs anything, my sister takes care of it. With my blessing. My parents are both 91, and my sister and brother can make any decisions they want, I don't want any part of it. My parents were always very fair and I know anything left after they are gone will be 1/3 mine. I'll take it and walk away. If there's nothing left, that's fine, too. No more family issues for me. But in the beginning... so I know how you are feeling and I'm sorry. :(
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